Satire - UK

Ahead of Newcastle United’s trip to Old Trafford which kicks off the 2008/09 campaign, Kevin Keegan pledged full support for the new ‘Get On With the Game at Old Trafford’ campaign which aims to improve respect for Sir Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford this season.

Kevin Keegan, infamous for his disrespectful “I’d love it” outburst, agreed that the Newcastle players will form a ‘corridor of respect’ at Old Trafford, and will clap and shake hands with all the Manchester United players as they file out for the start of the game.

Following Arsene Wenger’s lead, Keegan signed up to the agreement whereby neither he, the coaching staff, nor the players will question any decisions that go against them at Old Trafford.

Old Trafford, long thought of as the home of English football, has recently witnessed disgraceful scenes of disrespect with visiting players and managers howling for penalties to be awarded to them without any consideration for either the hallowed turf they stand on, or that they are offending a Knight of the Realm.

But not any more. The Football League in association with the FA have decided enough is enough, and referees have been given strict guidelines to ensure that Old Trafford and Sir Alex receive the special treatment they deserve. Referees have long been aware that they need to give special treatment to Sir Alex Ferguson, and this now has to spread to the players and managers alike.

If you have any suggestion as to how players, managers and referees can suck up to Sir Alex Ferguson at Satire UK.

The successful failure of Tom Daley, Britain’s 14 year old former diving sensation, means that many of Britain’s hacks in Beijing face an uncertain future convinced that the column inches they wrote in advance may never be used.

However, there was hope that a hasty search and replace on the text would suffice when 19 year old teen swimming sensation Rebecca Adlington won GOLD for Britain in the pool, Britain’s first gold medal since the demise of the British Empire nearly half a century ago.

Hacks struggled overnight with the grammatical problems created when He becomes She. For example, “His mother promised him a reward for winning gold, a pair of gold Nike football boots. The mayor of his home town has promised him a pair of gold shin pads too.”

Further delays were caused by, “And his mother has another surprise waiting for him. ‘When he comes back I want to get him a huge chocolate cake made in the shape of a gold football boot.’”

Extra hacks will fly out to Beijing to help with the extra work involved. They will remain on standby in case there are more surprise failures or successes that will mean extensive use of the search and replace facility.

But they deserve it. One British hopeful has been hanging on to some text she first wrote way back in 1960 when 19-year-old Yorkshire lass Anita Lonsborough won the 200 metres breaststroke at the Rome Olympics.

The ageing hack, who has written little since 1960, said. “I am absolutely delighted. I really thought my efforts all those years ago were in vain.”

In a surprise statement released to Al-Jazeera TV today, the Taliban have announced a worldwide ban on the movie Mamma Mia! In a statement running into hundreds and thousands of words, their warning to the West, delivered in pompous, overblown rhetoric, is clear:

“This lewd and decadent so-called entertainment is based, with financial certainty, on a successful stage show, and is painstakingly squeezed around the songs of the evil, immoral, hedonistic Western group Abba. It is abhorrent and insulting to students of the Almighty.”

Failing to see the lighter side of the sun-soaked musical homage to Abba, the Taliban’s lengthy statement continues in the same vein:

“Scholarly students of prayer must despise and reject these infuriating and suggestive songs. Its poisonous message will reach into the pure minds of our children and make God-fearing men hum vile lyrics such as, ‘gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight’ and, ‘does your mother know that you’re out’.”

With more than a whiff of envy born from years of isolation in a freezing cave, even the beautiful Greek island setting receives heavy criticism:

“The film’s vomit-inducing, perma-sunbaked Greek setting with its half-dressed frivolous women and pornographic blue seas makes the righteous elders seethe with vengeful madness. We are united with the Western male in denouncing this insulting film.”

Despite the movie’s success with women across the world, it has been panned exclusively and comprehensively in the West by male film reviewers and critics, a situation that has led some to liken male film critics to the celluloid-hating Taliban.

Old people who constantly complain that violent gangs of teenagers vandalize towns and stab each other should confront more teenagers and be prepared to be killed, a report said today.

The report said that old people, who cost the NHS £140 billion each year, could do far more to save taxpayers’ money by confronting teenage gangs and accepting the consequences.

Suicide-By-Teenager, a local scheme backed by parents and guardians in Liverpool, has proved far more cost-effective in controlling teenage violence than increased surveillance cameras and policing.

Research has shown that when teenage gangs are confronted by old people they are far less likely to stab each other because they will stab the old person instead saving the hard-pressed NHS and the taxpayer a fortune.

Experts have warned that if old people do not take up the Suicide-By-Teenager scheme in the next ten years, today’s generation will be faced with a huge bill. The report suggests that the billions saved in care for the old could then be channeled into improved fertility, maternity and nursery care.

Unlike previous generations, old people today have never had it so good, with full employment throughout their working lives, second home ownership, and NHS care right through birth to death.

Previous old people never enjoyed such benefits, suffering the misery of the 1930s when there was no NHS, widespread unemployment, and two world wars destroyed their council-owned homes which had no toilets.

The report centres on US research that proves that teenagers need a focus in their young lives, and a complaining old person often gives them that much-needed focus. Old people often have no living parents and their relatives don’t care, so there is little risk of complaints when they are stabbed.

Experts using advanced computerized techniques have proved that the life of an old person is worth far less than that of a young person who has their life ahead of them. In the report, experts devised a formula that defines how the Life Value Factor, or LVF, is calculated.

LVF = Ethnicity Quotient + Social Class Quotient / Age

The Ethnicity Quotient ranges from 10 for Europeans through to 1 for Africans.

Social Class Quotient ranges from 10 for the super rich through to 1 for the very poor.

A low LVF indicates maximum suitability for the Suicide-By-Teenager scheme.

The report concludes that it’s a teenager’s right to have the sense of worth that belonging to a dangerous gang can give them without fear of being stabbed. Stabbing an old person is a much better outlet for natural teenage aggression and improves valuable life skills such as social bonding from an early age.

Almost all teenagers who are stabbed have never been involved in gang violence before, and this needs to change. Experts suggest that joining a dangerous gang, getting drunk and being stabbed is a direct result of old people not getting involved.

satirical news

The BBC today made the shock announcement that Fiona Bruce is to stand down as host of the long-running favourite Sunday teatime show Antiques Roadshow to make way for a familiar old BBC face, Robert Mugabe, after he vacates his current position.

Bruce, who hasn’t even started filming the show, was said to be devastated by the decision. The announcement ended days of speculation regarding delays in counting votes after last week’s Zimbabwean election. Mugabe, who was educated at the University of London, was said to be delighted with the outcome.

Mugabe, who is 84, and the first ever black presenter of the popular programme, said he had always had an interest in antiques, and even owns a set of ancient plumes once worn by the British in Rhodesia (the former name for Zimbabwe).

Fans of the show welcomed the move saying that Mugabe will bring a long lost whiff of British colonialism back to the small screen.

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.

satirical news

Pubs and clubs are failing the UK government in its attempt to increase alcohol-related good behaviour by closing an average of just 21 minutes later on Saturday nights, a government report has revealed.

Ministers praised each other for being great mates who love each other after they concluded that failures to open for 24-hours meant that the lack of alcohol-related good behaviour was the fault of pubs and clubs.

Only four per cent of premises had opted to open round the clock, with more than half still closing at 11pm which the government says is an infringement to human rights.

The Government reported that alcohol-related violence at night hadn’t changed since the start of 24-hour opening, although it admitted there was an increase in attacks between 3am and 6am, which by most peoples’ reckoning is an increase in violence at night.

Andy Boozer, the British Culture Secretary said: “The overall increase in alcohol-related good behaviour we wanted to see across the country has not materialised consistently in all areas because pubs and clubs don’t stay open long enough like we told them to.”

He said that “dry spots” would be identified in which police and local authorities would be given the power to open bars that insisted on shutting. A “yellow card, red card” system would be introduced for premises that failed to remain open all hours.

Do you know a minister? Is he your best mate? Do you love him? Do you want to tell him you love him? Maybe you’re the kind of well-behaved drinker this government is hoping to encourage.

Joking apart, this spoof is actually based on an item in The Indie.

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.

satirical political news

Ian Paisley is to become a Middle East envoy working on behalf of the US, Russia, the UN and the EU. The announcement came just hours after he stood down as Northern Ireland’s first minister.

Paisley said a solution to Mid-East problems would be over his dead body. He told MPs that the only way of bringing stability and peace to the Middle East was to bring down the holy wrath of God in the form of balls of fire.

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas has welcomed Paisley’s appointment which was delayed because of many reservations. But the militant group Hamas said “it was not helpful in solving the conflict in the Middle East”.

Observers point out that Paisley’s mission, as defined by the international mediators which appointed him, is narrow. His brief includes a moral crusade against depravity and promiscuity using hellfire and brimstone rather than the wider conflict between Israel and Palestinians.

Paisley’s appointment comes at a time of heightened tension in the region. But senior UN officials describe Paisley as a star player who will bring energy to the peace process. He has proved a controversial figure in the UK and elsewhere for his relentless terrifying noisy rhetoric.

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.
satirical political news

This year, former EastEnders actor turned award-winning soldier Prince Harry travelled in secret to Afghanistan to live with, travel with, and face fire with normal British soldiers just like himself.

Harry loved the sand storms, the temperatures of over 50ºC and the constant threat of death. He loved life in Afghanistan so much so he filmed a documentary about the lives of normal soldiers just like himself for the BBC.

“Conditions were intolerable,” he said. “There’s the constant threat of death. During one engagement I was pinned down by enemy fire in broad daylight when I’d just popped out for a kebab; bullets fizzed by inches from my head, hitting the ground on either side of me. It was the most frightening experience of my life. I’ve never hugged the ground as tightly as I did when that happened. It’s definitely the closest I have ever been to Slough. I can’t wait to get back to Afghanistan.”

Prince Harry, born 21 July 1964, is a BAFTA award-winning member of the royal family third in line to the throne who rose to prominence in the role of Harry Maggot in the BBC soap opera, EastEnders, a character who frequented nightclubs dressed as a Nazi. Since 2006, Harry has received international recognition as an investigative journalist for his critically acclaimed, BAFTA award-winning documentary series Prince Harry on Gangs in the Slough and Windsor Area.

Prince Harry in Afghanistan begins on BBC 1, 2, 3, and 4 and BBC 7 Music 6 BBC HD BBC Asian Network BBC News 24 and CBBC interactive online at 9pm repeated at 10pm, 11pm on the hour ad nauseum. For interactive effect just press the red button every time Prince Harry fires his gun.

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.
satirical celebrity news

Hacks desperate for a salacious headline are close to pleasing their editors in the Jersey children’s home Haut de la Garenne today despite police admitting that the search had only uncovered props for a school production of Hamlet.

In the longest running search for grim headlines, hacks everywhere were forced into scraping around for anyone who could tell them anything even if it’s only an eyewitness account of how terrified children were forced to eat their dinners.

The potential for shocking headlines has excited newspaper proprietors everywhere. They’re overjoyed that the secrets of the suitably grim Victorian building could lead to some of the biggest headlines ever eventually if everyone can just hang on a little bit longer.

Do you have any lurid and sensational details about anything no matter how trivial, please email?

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.
satirical news

Adele, the smoky-tongued singing sensation who rocketed to the top of the UK charts, has revealed that her sulky image is not the result of music industry grooming, but the result of a rare congenital blood disorder that means that if she cracks a smile, she will suffer an instant painful death.

Adele, whose one hit Chasing Pavements, is believed to be the best debut single ever, won the nation’s hearts by singing live on Richard and Judy. When asked if she always sang, without a hint of humour she said, “yeah cos I’m like normal”.

But there was pain behind her wry contempt for the nation’s favourite lumpen daytime TV hosts when doctors gave her the devastating news at the heartbreakingly young age of ten that her face must always remain the face of a woman who could sit on kittens and eat them.

Adele is a sufferer of Coruscates Syndrome. She carries a rare enzyme that if released into the atmosphere would actually rot rubber and corrode steel. Doctors say there is a slight chance she will grow out of it, but if the condition is allowed to carry on into adulthood, then there’s no hope for any of us.

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.
satirical celebrity news