Satire - UK

Old people who constantly complain that violent gangs of teenagers vandalize towns and stab each other should confront more teenagers and be prepared to be killed, a report said today.

The report said that old people, who cost the NHS £140 billion each year, could do far more to save taxpayers’ money by confronting teenage gangs and accepting the consequences.

Suicide-By-Teenager, a local scheme backed by parents and guardians in Liverpool, has proved far more cost-effective in controlling teenage violence than increased surveillance cameras and policing.

Research has shown that when teenage gangs are confronted by old people they are far less likely to stab each other because they will stab the old person instead saving the hard-pressed NHS and the taxpayer a fortune.

Experts have warned that if old people do not take up the Suicide-By-Teenager scheme in the next ten years, today’s generation will be faced with a huge bill. The report suggests that the billions saved in care for the old could then be channeled into improved fertility, maternity and nursery care.

Unlike previous generations, old people today have never had it so good, with full employment throughout their working lives, second home ownership, and NHS care right through birth to death.

Previous old people never enjoyed such benefits, suffering the misery of the 1930s when there was no NHS, widespread unemployment, and two world wars destroyed their council-owned homes which had no toilets.

The report centres on US research that proves that teenagers need a focus in their young lives, and a complaining old person often gives them that much-needed focus. Old people often have no living parents and their relatives don’t care, so there is little risk of complaints when they are stabbed.

Experts using advanced computerized techniques have proved that the life of an old person is worth far less than that of a young person who has their life ahead of them. In the report, experts devised a formula that defines how the Life Value Factor, or LVF, is calculated.

LVF = Ethnicity Quotient + Social Class Quotient / Age

The Ethnicity Quotient ranges from 10 for Europeans through to 1 for Africans.

Social Class Quotient ranges from 10 for the super rich through to 1 for the very poor.

A low LVF indicates maximum suitability for the Suicide-By-Teenager scheme.

The report concludes that it’s a teenager’s right to have the sense of worth that belonging to a dangerous gang can give them without fear of being stabbed. Stabbing an old person is a much better outlet for natural teenage aggression and improves valuable life skills such as social bonding from an early age.

Almost all teenagers who are stabbed have never been involved in gang violence before, and this needs to change. Experts suggest that joining a dangerous gang, getting drunk and being stabbed is a direct result of old people not getting involved.

satirical news

The BBC today made the shock announcement that Fiona Bruce is to stand down as host of the long-running favourite Sunday teatime show Antiques Roadshow to make way for a familiar old BBC face, Robert Mugabe, after he vacates his current position.

Bruce, who hasn’t even started filming the show, was said to be devastated by the decision. The announcement ended days of speculation regarding delays in counting votes after last week’s Zimbabwean election. Mugabe, who was educated at the University of London, was said to be delighted with the outcome.

Mugabe, who is 84, and the first ever black presenter of the popular programme, said he had always had an interest in antiques, and even owns a set of ancient plumes once worn by the British in Rhodesia (the former name for Zimbabwe).

Fans of the show welcomed the move saying that Mugabe will bring a long lost whiff of British colonialism back to the small screen.

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.

satirical news

Pubs and clubs are failing the UK government in its attempt to increase alcohol-related good behaviour by closing an average of just 21 minutes later on Saturday nights, a government report has revealed.

Ministers praised each other for being great mates who love each other after they concluded that failures to open for 24-hours meant that the lack of alcohol-related good behaviour was the fault of pubs and clubs.

Only four per cent of premises had opted to open round the clock, with more than half still closing at 11pm which the government says is an infringement to human rights.

The Government reported that alcohol-related violence at night hadn’t changed since the start of 24-hour opening, although it admitted there was an increase in attacks between 3am and 6am, which by most peoples’ reckoning is an increase in violence at night.

Andy Boozer, the British Culture Secretary said: “The overall increase in alcohol-related good behaviour we wanted to see across the country has not materialised consistently in all areas because pubs and clubs don’t stay open long enough like we told them to.”

He said that “dry spots” would be identified in which police and local authorities would be given the power to open bars that insisted on shutting. A “yellow card, red card” system would be introduced for premises that failed to remain open all hours.

Do you know a minister? Is he your best mate? Do you love him? Do you want to tell him you love him? Maybe you’re the kind of well-behaved drinker this government is hoping to encourage.

Joking apart, this spoof is actually based on an item in The Indie.

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.

satirical political news

Ian Paisley is to become a Middle East envoy working on behalf of the US, Russia, the UN and the EU. The announcement came just hours after he stood down as Northern Ireland’s first minister.

Paisley said a solution to Mid-East problems would be over his dead body. He told MPs that the only way of bringing stability and peace to the Middle East was to bring down the holy wrath of God in the form of balls of fire.

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas has welcomed Paisley’s appointment which was delayed because of many reservations. But the militant group Hamas said “it was not helpful in solving the conflict in the Middle East”.

Observers point out that Paisley’s mission, as defined by the international mediators which appointed him, is narrow. His brief includes a moral crusade against depravity and promiscuity using hellfire and brimstone rather than the wider conflict between Israel and Palestinians.

Paisley’s appointment comes at a time of heightened tension in the region. But senior UN officials describe Paisley as a star player who will bring energy to the peace process. He has proved a controversial figure in the UK and elsewhere for his relentless terrifying noisy rhetoric.

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.
satirical political news

This year, former EastEnders actor turned award-winning soldier Prince Harry travelled in secret to Afghanistan to live with, travel with, and face fire with normal British soldiers just like himself.

Harry loved the sand storms, the temperatures of over 50ºC and the constant threat of death. He loved life in Afghanistan so much so he filmed a documentary about the lives of normal soldiers just like himself for the BBC.

“Conditions were intolerable,” he said. “There’s the constant threat of death. During one engagement I was pinned down by enemy fire in broad daylight when I’d just popped out for a kebab; bullets fizzed by inches from my head, hitting the ground on either side of me. It was the most frightening experience of my life. I’ve never hugged the ground as tightly as I did when that happened. It’s definitely the closest I have ever been to Slough. I can’t wait to get back to Afghanistan.”

Prince Harry, born 21 July 1964, is a BAFTA award-winning member of the royal family third in line to the throne who rose to prominence in the role of Harry Maggot in the BBC soap opera, EastEnders, a character who frequented nightclubs dressed as a Nazi. Since 2006, Harry has received international recognition as an investigative journalist for his critically acclaimed, BAFTA award-winning documentary series Prince Harry on Gangs in the Slough and Windsor Area.

Prince Harry in Afghanistan begins on BBC 1, 2, 3, and 4 and BBC 7 Music 6 BBC HD BBC Asian Network BBC News 24 and CBBC interactive online at 9pm repeated at 10pm, 11pm on the hour ad nauseum. For interactive effect just press the red button every time Prince Harry fires his gun.

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.
satirical celebrity news

Hacks desperate for a salacious headline are close to pleasing their editors in the Jersey children’s home Haut de la Garenne today despite police admitting that the search had only uncovered props for a school production of Hamlet.

In the longest running search for grim headlines, hacks everywhere were forced into scraping around for anyone who could tell them anything even if it’s only an eyewitness account of how terrified children were forced to eat their dinners.

The potential for shocking headlines has excited newspaper proprietors everywhere. They’re overjoyed that the secrets of the suitably grim Victorian building could lead to some of the biggest headlines ever eventually if everyone can just hang on a little bit longer.

Do you have any lurid and sensational details about anything no matter how trivial, please email?

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.
satirical news

Adele, the smoky-tongued singing sensation who rocketed to the top of the UK charts, has revealed that her sulky image is not the result of music industry grooming, but the result of a rare congenital blood disorder that means that if she cracks a smile, she will suffer an instant painful death.

Adele, whose one hit Chasing Pavements, is believed to be the best debut single ever, won the nation’s hearts by singing live on Richard and Judy. When asked if she always sang, without a hint of humour she said, “yeah cos I’m like normal”.

But there was pain behind her wry contempt for the nation’s favourite lumpen daytime TV hosts when doctors gave her the devastating news at the heartbreakingly young age of ten that her face must always remain the face of a woman who could sit on kittens and eat them.

Adele is a sufferer of Coruscates Syndrome. She carries a rare enzyme that if released into the atmosphere would actually rot rubber and corrode steel. Doctors say there is a slight chance she will grow out of it, but if the condition is allowed to carry on into adulthood, then there’s no hope for any of us.

This is a spoof news item and entirely fictitious. Although false, it is based on a real news item and satirises (ie ridicules) the way news items are written to convey a point of view. It is not meant to mislead or cause offence. It is aimed at revealing how the media controls information, and it’s trying to be funny.
satirical celebrity news

Middle England’s enthusiasm for a national DNA database fell away dramatically last night after police revealed that the DNA register will include people committing minor offences regardless of class such as speeding, dropping empty beer bottles, swearing at the TV when Chelsea play and beating up traffic wardens.

Police said a global UK database would create a register of the “anti-social” which would include just about everybody in the UK. There had been growing calls to extend the current register of 54.5 million samples in ways that would leave out ordinary law-abiding folk who occasionally drop litter or let their dog foul their neighbour’s drive.

Former Home Secretaries said people with nothing to hide should volunteer their DNAs, while the Tories said those with “ethnic” DNA should be imprisoned anyway.

Detective Superintendent Phil Collar: “It is my opinion that people want a national DNA database but they don’t want to be on it. Obviously this is a situation which we will have to deal with by quickly forgetting it was ever mentioned.”

Some officers had been pressing the Home Office to allow DNA to be taken from people stopped for minor offences such as minor assaults that most law-abiding people aren’t supposed to get involved in. However, the public backlash has been so severe it really makes you wonder.

But yesterday Toby Pipette, head of forensics, said an expansion of sampling to include even the minor assaults that everyones’ kids gets into now and then would undermine public support.

He added: “If we started dragging people off to police stations to take their DNA every time they knocked a policeman’s hat off, that support would evaporate very quickly.”

Statistics show that the early warning sign of a serial killer is litter throwing, bullying, speeding, being drunk and abusive, but this kind of thing won’t wash in middle England where this is par for the course.

Have you dropped litter recently and hoped you got away with it? Well someone did because this place is a shit hole.
satirical news

After My Fake Baby, a Channel 4 documentary about a new industry in dolls made to look and behave like living babies, comes My Fake Footballer, a Channel 4 documentary about an industry in dolls made to recreate famous footballers from the past.

The men who buy them idolise them, dress them in the latest kit, wash them, dry them, even take them on training sessions. The dolls are customised to customers’ specifications: Kevin Keegan in his Hamburg days, Glen Hoddle on Top of the Pops, Paul Gascoigne on crutches. They can even be fitted with an abusive voice mechanism.

The footballer dolls, or “substitutes”, are made by Ed Loosecrew, a 54 year old Everton fan who said that after seeing his favourite footballers grow old and slide into rehab, this would be the “closest” he would get to seeing them in their prime forever. “I’ve cried when I’ve let a few of them go,” he admitted. The documentary showed him put a baking tray of rubber footballer parts in the oven, complete with boots, shinpads and jockstraps. You could have anything you liked, he said, a lithe Booby Moore, a stolid Italian Baresi, a Pele, a Mark Lawrensen even.

One man, Jimmy, had quite a few “substitutes” in a room that looked like a recreated old Wembley. He couldn’t do with the unpredictability of the real thing: “I want them well behaved and clean and the reality isn’t like that,” he said. Jimmy takes his “team” for runs and even “trains” them. He spent nearly £3000 on hairstyles alone for the new “players”.

Ed said he never asked why people bought the dolls; if they paid the money, he was just providing a service.

Do you have a favourite footballer you miss so much you’d spend a fortune recreating him? Of course you do. Admit it.

Next week: My Fake First Girlfriend. A Channel 4 documentary about men who miss their first love so much, they buy dolls, or “Lolitas” that allow them to rerun that first snog over and over. In My Fake First Car, yet another Channel 4 documentary, they even recreate their first fumbles on fake backseats with their fake girls.

Ivor Hardon - Doctors have made a brilliant breakthrough discovery using Guantanamo-style lie detection techniques that millions of girls are lying about the existence of the G-spot.

For years men have fumbled around for the spot that girls said would give them mind-blowing orgasms but now the truth is that guys were being misled and can concentrate on football instead.

Researchers wired two groups of women to lie detectors, one group which claimed to have a G-spot and another too thick to ask if this was a proper scientific test.

The in-depth study found significant differences between the groups indicating that no women have a G-spot, an area that men thought was somewhere near her sex organs. Instead, women have been found to possess a complex set of sex organs although research is still being carried out in this area.

Have you ever seen female genitalia? If so email the lads at the Currant Bun and tell them all about it.